im screwed..

everyone is getting married..and some even busy making babies or adding babies..
yet im still searching for the right guy to complete my life! wats wrong with mr big? hes nice..hes stable financially..he loves me.. but theres something just missing! im not happy with him. yes im happy when he pays my bills..pays my shopping expenses.. and etc..etc.. but is it enuf to work a rship?

i realized one thing bout mysf recently. i tend to have a new bf whenever i change working place. hmm..yes i like to flirt..but y? y do i flirt when i know its wrong. then i made a study bout mysf. hmm.. based on my studies, i flirt because..

1) i need to find a motivation at work (to motivate me to work of cos)
2) i love to be in love (the initial part of the rship is the best part..so i want to stay there forever)
3) i dont think mr big is the one.. (sad but true)

and the most huge reason is because:
4) i want my bf to b in front of me..

ughh.. im screwed! will i ever get married? now im engaged..but the engagement dah nyawa2 ikan. i dah minta putus several times but mr big x wana give up yet. he still has faith in me..hmm.. wat more can i say?

im confused!

Get to SHAPE??

hi agn..im at my work place now.. feel so boring waiting for my baby to finish up his work. some of representatives from Shape magazine want to take pix of the personal trainers. hey...im a personal trainer! but i cant go!! ive gained too much since the last couple of months. im 55kgs now and i dont feel good at all bout that!! thats y i refuse to take part. i know i troubled him, but i have no confidence! im FATTTTTTTTT!! and im having breakouts because of hormone imbalance. so i dont think its a good idea to for me to flaunt a stupid chubby face and big thighs! duh..... wait..baby is calling me~


OMG..gez wat just happened since the past 5 mins?!! my baby just made me to go for the photo shooting of the Shape magz!! crazy!! im so fat! its like the worst idea ever! frankly speaking,i really want to but unfortunately im not in a good shape! futhermore im bout to have my menses and il get bloated anyday soon! i dont want to dissappoint him..but i dont want to embarrass him s well! s i said..im not in good shape! s much s i want to go..i still think this isnt a good idea. maybe he should just send someone else..

but..maybe this is a good opportunity for me as he said - to start slimming down mysf and also to promote myself as a personal trainer..what do u think? am i that fat? i feel i am..but he doesnt think so. ntahlah... i gez i should just let him to make the decision! duh..y lah im fat! or else il go there with open heart and happy face! while impatiently wait to c 'u know who' face to get jealous!! verrrrrrrrrry the jealous! hahaha.. so evil!

What to be?? What Should be? What Could be??

this is my life im talking bout!! its so complicated...well..i dunno whether its just me or it is complicated. it so hard for me to feel contented with what i have or achieve. i never regret with whatever path i took before..(maybe there is regret but just too afraid to admit it. we can glance and learn fr mistake but not look back and regret!)

well..im a first class student in bach. of accountancy. (thanks to apak and mak who gave me support financially and spiritually tru all the misery years of studying!) i wasnt being a kissasser before but most of my lecturers loved me. i gez i do possess high soft skills and respect them no matter how lousy they could have been. or maybe its because i smile a lot and i was adorable! muahahaha! poyo! well..what im trying to say is..im smart and i have the quality to be whatever i wanna be if i wanna be. but what am i now? im a personal trainer in cal fitness!! hahaha...s i said, i have nothing to regret. infact..im grateful to have learnt whatever ive learnt while working here because the knowledge is so valuable where i can use whole life! and the best thing is, i think ive met The One while working here. the one who suit me best and create happiness which i crave all these years after Dharmen took off.

back to my point, is this what i should be? most people say im overqualified for this job, some say i should just do whatever makes me happy, others couldnt care less. yeah.. i know. i should do whatever i think best for me. im big enough to make my own decision. but what is the best for me??? thats the thing!! im having conflict with what i should be..what i shouldnt be...what i could be.. what i couldnt be.. what makes me happy..and what makes me miserable!! the opportunity cost is too big and i dont want to regret doing or not doing something that i should do!! there is an elephant 'WHAT IF..?' in my head whenever i think of something and i end up couldnt finalise any decision to be made. up to this point, im still asking around searching for i dont know what cos im sure in the end i will still follow my heart instead of listening to others.

ok..what is the dilemma? im a personal trainer. im happy with what im doing now. i could earn to unlimited amount of pay depending on the degree of intensity of the effort to work. if u work hard and ur luck is there where u can make alot of sales,rm5k or more is in ur hand. if u feel no motivation to work, hormone imbalance, or just need a time break, u can cancel the client and rescedule the appointment.hahaha..not ethical but hey, can u do this elsewhere esp in office environment? no rite! this is just great! basically, this is the job ive been looking for all this while. the pay is good, the working environment is damn good (where u can meet hot looking sexy sweaty guy everyday trying to pump up their chest! hahaha, i wasnt really looking, they look for me!), i get to stay fit and workout free of charge whenever i want,its near my house and i get to be closer with the love of my life! i want this! i raise my case! but........... the thing is.. i have a degree in accounting and im overqualified for this job! so, every now and then the question "WHAT IF' will pop up and make my life a bit miserable.

darn..i need to work! to be continued!!!